A Match Unmatched

(If you think marriages are made in heaven, well, think again!)

There were no telephones in those days. And yet, certain bits of news seemed to fly across the globe at lightning speed. Never underestimate the power of “word of mouth” - especially, when it’s a woman’s mouth. The next visit from the city aunt would confirm the worst. Time to get married. The sparkle in the eyes, the hushed whispers and the letters that you were not allowed to open, lest you fall in love with the wrong man. They had been finding the man of your dreams all along. And you knew zilch about it.

Now, when you try to open your mouth to speak, to tell them that you have no intentions of getting married, they dismiss you, wondering how you could want to pass up this opportunity for eternal happiness! The woman who will change the course of your life forever, the matchmaker, the destroyer of destiny, comes in all disguises. Sometimes she is the favorite auntie who always served you a big bowl of pudding. Other times, it is that haggard old lady who has been “on her way to heaven” for the last seven years but managed to hold her breath for every last wedding. It was no different this time. On hearing the news, there was an unmistakable twinkle in her eye as she unconsciously decided once again that life was worth living.

When all family members have been consulted and everyone is convinced that the boy decided upon will be a match “unmatched”, the day is set for when the two should meet. Instructions are given on how to behave and the manners expected of a girl from a fine family. You are taught how to make good tea and how to serve, how to blush at appropriate intervals and never voice your opinion. “Never look him in the eye” adds Auntie Sheela. So you practice looking up at an imaginary “hero” while looking down at the same time. It wouldn’t really matter if you went cock-eyed in the process considering you couldn’t see straight anyway, since the last few days. Then begins the practice sessions, all aimed at converting this modern good for nothing. The right outfit is chosen, something stylish from a good boutique, yet making sure not to expose too much skin.

The moment arrives. By now, you are actually quite excited about meeting this Casanova.
As the doorbell rings, Auntie Sheela gives you one final look of warning and then a pasty smile. Mummy comes over and whispers – “just be yourself”. He enters with a hoard of people accompanying….Pink shirt, hair slick back, reeking of coconut oil, Elvis like pants under a huge paunch. The huge black rimmed spectacles accentuate ogling eyes. He puts on a fake American accent and all the aunties look impressed.
Mother makes a lame excuse and follows you into the kitchen. So…what do you think?
HE’S A TOAD!!!

Outside you can hear the ladies talking about how you make perfectly round chapattis and excellent sabzi. Perhaps they all believe that while you cook, feed him, keep his stomach happy and produce children by the dozen, the frog might turn into prince charming!